


Goner

by AshesToStars



Category: BoJack Horseman
Genre: Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-10-01 07:25:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10183967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshesToStars/pseuds/AshesToStars
Summary: Of all the times that Bojack has been in a hospital, still, nothing could have made him ready for this visit.





	

White walls and the smell of medicine surrounded the area, and an energy of solemn confinement in solitude resonated throughout the large building. It was bustling and busy, and yet it still felt so...lonely. So empty. The quiet was unsettling, and it wasn't even quiet. It's not as if Bojack had never been in a hospital before. He's found himself trapped in treatment here more than once. FAR more than once. When you declare war on your body your whole life, your bound to wind up hospitalized a few times. Even when it came to visiting other people, Bojack was no stranger. With the kinds of people he hung around, and the kinds of drugs and alcohol he had with them, many of his 'friends' have been hospitalized. Many of these 'friends' never managed to come back out. It was sad. So sad. Bojack hated hospitals. He hated medicine, he hated the IVs pumping blood into veins, he hated the overwhelming sense of pity and patronizing nurses that made their rounds, acting as if they cared. They didn't care. They were here for the paycheck. 

Even with all of his experience and controversial opinions of hospitals, he was not prepared for this visit. He couldn't be. Not now, not ever. Bojack wanted to smoke. Good god, he wanted to smoke...but he couldn't, and he wasn't about to be kicked out. Not today. 

Of all the people he could have visited in this forsaken place, why did it have to be Todd? Fuck, he never would have expected it to be Todd. He asked himself that over and over...Why Todd? Why Todd? Why Todd? Why, Todd? He hated that he even had to ask himself that question. He hated it. He hated this. Bojack was stalling. He knew that truthfully, that was what he was doing. Since this morning, he received call after call and text after text.

'Bojack? What's going on? What happened?' Diane.

'Bojack!! Tell me he's alright!!! Please, is he okay?!' Mr. Peanutbutter.

'Bojack, I'm...sorry.' Princess Caroline.

It didn't matter. No amount of sorry's and begging would ever make this better, and they all knew it. It wouldn't be long before they got here too. He had to go in alone...just once. He needed to talk to Todd.  
Bojack pulled his phone from his pocket, and sent out a group message.

'When you get here, wait in the lobby. I need to do this alone.'

It was the first text he's sent in a while that wasn't tainted by slurred spelling and broken, drunken english. He was sober. He regretted that.

Finally, after standing for what felt like years in these meaningless halls, Bojack entered the room. Todd was sitting there, hooked up to machines and sitting up, awake and staring at the wall in front of him. His eyes faintly moved towards Bojack when he came in, and immediately returned to staring absent-mindedly when he saw who it was. He held an expression that was so...foreign on Todd's face. It was...just numbness. The kind that Bojack had become so familiar with.

Bojack walked in, next to his bed and sat. For a moment, they said nothing. They didn't look at each other...no eye-contact, no word exchange. Just silence. Bojack was letting his thoughts swim around in his head like parasites...before he finally mustered up the strength to speak.

"What are you doing here, Todd?"

Todd turned his head and looked at him. They scanned each others' faces. Searching for each others' emotions. Mostly anger. They searched for anger. Neither of them were angry.

"They told you, you know what happened." Todd answered, voice oddly quiet.

"They didn't have to. I'm the one that found you." Bojack responded, eyes still scanning.

"...Oh." The reply was a whisper. "...I...I didn't know that."

"You know that wasn't what I meant. I mean, what are you REALLY doing here, Todd?"

"It wasn't an accident." 

"The pills?" Bojack clarified. "Of course they weren't, Todd. I know that."

Todd started to breathe heavier, and he avoided his gaze again, looking at anything but Bojack. His hands gripped at his legs and the blanket that covered them.

"Are- are the others coming-"

"Of COURSE they are, Todd! You tried to fucking kill yourself!" Bojack shouted. He didn't know why. He had no idea why he had shouted. "But they're letting me do this alone, first. You need to talk to me. Look at me, Todd. Looking away isn't going to make me disappear, trust me."

Todd looked at him again. His eyes were glazed over and he looked as if he'd be crying if he felt he was able.

"Why'd you come here, Bojack? Why'd you bother?" Todd asked shakily. The question had caught Bojack off guard. He stared at the younger man, his eyes darting to each feature of Todd's face. 

"Todd-"

"No, really, Bojack. Why are you here? I'm just your shitty roommate that never cleans up after himself and was kicked out the house for being lazy. We don't have to do this. We don't need this conversation! I know exactly how it goes-!" Todd suddenly began talking, and could not seem to stop. He spoke breathlessly and without hesitation, his body tense and his eyes showing a mix of fear and a deep sadness that only someone like Bojack understood. "You'll say; 'you tried to kill yourself' and I'll say that I'm sorry and you'll tell me I should be and I'll promise never to do it again and then you'll say 'no, you should be sorry because your just a coward that couldn't finish the job!' and I'll sit here, for hours and days and years and just wonder, what could make a person say that? Parents are supposed to love their children, not tell them to DIE."

There was an immediate silence. Todd had his eyes closed. He was hyperventilating.

Bojack was frozen, thinking about what Todd said. Wherever Todd had just gone in his mind, the conversation that he had played out was not between Bojack and him. It had been someone else. Bojack knew that much.

"Todd...breathe." Was all he said. The other nodded shakily, slowing himself down until he was breathing the right way.

"I'm sorry- I'm so sorry- You wouldn't say that..." 

"You weren't talking about me when you said that. I know, Todd. I know." Bojack assured him. "I'm not going to sit here and ask about your parents, Todd. I've heard enough to know that they deserve to rot. That doesn't matter right now. Todd, what happened? Why are you here?"

"...I'm useless, Bojack. I'm a nobody, and I'll always be a nobody." Todd explained. Bojack began to reply. "Don't tell me it's not true. I won't believe you."

"I wasn't going to say that." He said, much to Todd's confusion. "I was going to say that we're all nobodies, Todd. None of us are here for a reason. Nothing matters. But that's okay. We've all learned to silently accept that as a part of life. But what you have with other people? It's real. People care when you try to kill yourself. Why do you think Mr. Peanutbutter is trying to call me right this moment." He held up his phone, which was vibrating over and over. "If I had been too late, we would be devastated. More than devastated. None of us would even really be us anymore. All we are is a series of connections that we've made with other people, and when you lose that with someone, you lose a part of yourself."

"...Bojack...I..." Todd's voice was still trembling, and he now was staring at the other intently. "...I didn't think about that. All I thought about was how many times I've failed in life...how many times I lied awake on your couch feeling like a nobody. I guess I just feel like I need...a label. Something other than Todd Chavez-"

"Bojack's Best Friend."

"...What?"

"That's your new label." Bojack explained. " 'Bojack's Best Friend'. That counts, doesn't it?"

"...Yeah, it does." Todd had begun crying. He didn't know when, but he had. "It works. It works." Bojack knew what he needed now. He sat next to him on the bed, and the instant that he had pulled the younger man into a hug, Todd just began to sob. He sobbed and he cried and he just kept going and going and going...and that was okay. Bojack wasn't good at comforting, but he was good at catching tears. He just let Todd cry. He didn't say a word...he just sat there. Once Todd had cried himself into a dry tiredness, he sniffed and let Bojack let go of him.

"...I'm okay-"

"No you aren't. Not yet. But you're better."

Todd nodded. "I'm a little better."

Bojack reached into his pocket and took out his phone, going into the group text he had started.

'Don't try to do this alone, let us help him, Bojack! What even happened??' Diane.

'Bojack! Bojack! Please, don't make me wati im scared bojack dont make me wait' Mr. Peanutbutter. 

'DON'T SAY ANYTHING STUPID.' Princess Caroline, of course.

Bojack found himself texting the group again.

'Come in. He needs you all now. But don't talk about what happened...I have that covered.'


End file.
